I am going to Dream

 A significant part of me is an idealist.  An artist.  A dreamer.  I spend hours... days... thinking, hoping, and dreaming of the future that is to come.  Wondering where I'll be.  Wondering what my husband will be like.  Wondering how many children I will have.  Praying that in everything I do is for Jesus.  Yearning for my heavenly home.  Wishing and Praying that Jesus will come back now so I won't have to yearn or wonder any more.  

For the longest time, I thought the face that I was always day dreaming was bad.  That I was wasting valuable time when I should have been doing something else.  However lately, God has been showing me that being a dreamer isn't a bad thing.  It means that I am constantly asking 'what if'.  It explains why I need so much alone time and solitude.  It explains my vivid imagination.  Being a dreamer is looking at the world through my own reflections.  I see the world in all of these beautiful colors, vivid memories, and innumerable possibilities.  How can that be bad?  Especially knowing that Jesus is the root of all my dreams.

Jesus made me a dreamer for a reason.  So I am going to dream.  I'm going to dream big and seemingly impossible dreams, because I know that nothing is impossible with Jesus.

As, I was writing this... and for the better part of the past few days I've been listening to this song on repeat.  So I thought I would share it with you.

"It's just another night and I'm staring at the moon.  I saw a shooting star and thought of you"

My Favorite Person

This past Sunday there was a holiday that focuses on honoring the most precious and valuable person in my life... my mom.

Mom's have this beautiful position in life to where they are a guardian, a safe place, an encourager, a best friend, a teacher, and many more roles.  I am so blessed to have such a wonderful woman, who is all of those roles and so much more, as my mother.  

I work with children and meet all different types of mothers that have various parenting styles.  There is nothing wrong with those mothers or their parenting styles but I can say with out a doubt in my mind that I could not imagine or fathom having anyone else be my mother besides this beautiful woman below.  Look at her!  She is breathtaking and she is my favorite person on this earth.

She is constantly compassionate.  She is forever nurturing and teaching.  She sees a person and sees their worth, their heart, and their potential.  She cries at commercials and when she is reading a good book.  When she laughs, it is infectious.  You cannot help but to laugh right along side her.  She gives the best advice and will listen to me go on for hours about absolutely nothing.  She loves Neil Diamond and Elton John.  She makes the best cup of tea.  She never fails to say exactly what I need hear when I need to hear it.  She gives the best hugs and she has never let me down.  Ever.  She makes me want to be better, wiser, stronger.  I would be lost without her.  

Control vs. Jesus

Life is a very unexpected thing.  It throws you curve balls and can be incredibly terrifying some of the time.  People say that "life isn't fair."  It's a common saying.  Mom's say it to their kids when they tell them no and the kids freak out.  I say it to myself when something doesn't go my way.

That's the problem that I have been realizing the past month; I am looking at life as "my way."  If something unexpected happens, I try to think of how I will handle it or what I need to do to make things better/get back on track.  I plan and plan and plan and things continue to fall through.  Instead of learning from my failed planning attempts, I try to redirect and create a new and better plan.  When will I realize that my plans and my ability to control life is not enough?  It just doesn't work.

I know the right answer in my mind.  I know the right answer in my heart.  However, I fail to believe the answers in my heart and my mind are true.  There are days where I tell myself over and over and over again that "I can't do this on my own.  I need Jesus."  Even then, sometimes my head & heart hear and other times they don't.  Living in this world trying to find a balance of my control and God's control just doesn't work.  It's not meant to.  Learning to give all the control to God isn't easy.  It's not meant to be.  I was designed from the very beginning of time to yearn for eternal things.  To yearn for Jesus.  We  are all are created this way.  That is why there is nothing on this earth that can satisfy our hearts fully because the only one who can do that is Jesus.

I know this in my head and in my heart but that doesn't mean that I don't have to put in the work to make sure my head and heart believe that truth.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11

 This verse gives me hope.  It reminds me that Jesus is faithful and He is sovereign.  It reassures me heart that God will finish the good work he started in me.  However, it also a harsh reminder that I have to do my part but also remember fully that only God can change hearts.  I have to choose everyday to wake up, surrender my life to Jesus, and pray for Him to change my heart that day.  I have to give control to Him because "my way" isn't working out.  I talk with women twice/three times my age and they tell me that they still doubt, struggle to believe, and have to fight everyday to surrender fully to God.  I am not writing this because I have it all figured out or because I have accomplished/conquered a great feat.  I am writing this because I am finally starting to realize that I don't have to have myself all put together all the time.  I will never be wrapped in this beautiful flawless package.  Even better... Jesus doesn't me to be wrapped flawlessly.   He wants all my mess.  He wants to see the vulnerable bruised and broken me.  That me, that is bruised, broken, and utterly flawed, is the one that He died for on the cross.

I take comfort in the cross and in knowing that I don't have to have control over everything in order for Jesus to love me.  He loves me no matter how organized and put together my life is.  He chose me to be His child and loves me as a father loves His child.  There is no greater love than that.  There is not greater love than Jesus.